Hello to Myself

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about the places I grew up. There were two homes: One was a comfortable house on an acre of land next to a pond; the second, where we moved when I was 9, was a castle for the area, a grand home that was gorgeous but much too large for just four people – and later for just two people when my sister and I left home.

I loved them both for different reasons, but I always felt that life became more difficult when we moved to the second home. Maybe it was a turning point in life for me, a growing up, a realization that things change, that people change, that you have to move on sometimes. I started at a new school and had to drive 45 minutes from home each way. I was never a gifted child, but when I made the switch to private school, I had to face the fact immediately that I was far behind my classmates in learning. It was a challenging time.

But lately, I have been thinking about that first house, the one on the pond, on an acre of land, where I dirtied my pristine while lace socks in the dirt and chased my dog around. I came up with fairy tales and often played alone. But it was serene, idyllic, all that space to play and explore, to imagine what life and the world might become and be.

I want that peace and creativity again.

Something took me away from myself and instead to a big city – the biggest city, New York. I lost my own desires and dreams and took on others’. Perhaps it was for the best: experience and resilience in the face of doing things and with people I didn’t most enjoy. But the exposure gave me a greater sense of who I am both as a professional, and perhaps even greater, as a spiritual being.

I’m grateful for New York.

But I’m drawn back to the land right now.

I want to race through the grass after the rains, getting the hem of my pants wet, slipping perhaps, but not falling. I want to stand still and close my eyes, connect with the Earth. And remember what it feels like for the pure breeze to kiss my face.

I am of the Earth and with the Earth.

And I know myself now more than ever before. I can’t wait to meet myself further.

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